Bereavement

Getting on with life after bereavement can be one of the hardest tasks we will ever face as a human being. Especially in a culture which devalues feelings, and processes which take time and take us into some of the more difficult places in ourselves.

Thankfully we are now moving away from the ‘get over it and get on with life’ approach to one which honours each individual’s experience and relationship to the person who has died. That means making space for their loved one in a new way, creating new rituals to honour the connection they shared. Even though someone is no longer around physically, the emotional ties remain, so it’s important to acknowledge the change and explore what that might look like practically for you. 

There are some common myths around loss which we can explore in the counselling room, and which may help you make sense of your experience when it can sometimes feel overwhelming, confusing, or like you are doing it all ‘wrong’.

It’s been x months/years now, I should be over it…

People often think grief has a shelf life – but reality can be far more complicated. Depending on all kinds of factors, such as the relationship you had with the deceased person and how they died. In counselling we can explore where the ‘should’ has come from, and also look at the reality of where you really are with your loss, how it is still affecting you today, and what that might mean for you. 

But this person was my friend, not a close family member, why do I feel this way…

We can’t allocate grief to people depending on their relationship to us. It may be that we are really close to a distant cousin because we spent a lot of time together growing up, but less involved with a sibling. The strength of the relationship often determines how we grieve, and can take us by surprise. 

Grief has stages, right ?– I’ve done sadness, when I do move on to the next emotion?

Some amazing people over the years have done incredible research into what happens when we lose someone. One of the pioneers was Elizabeth Kubler Ross who came up with the stages of grief in the 1950s, moving from numbness and shock through sadness, anger, depression and eventual resolution. Others including Colin Murray-Parkes and John Bowlby contributed to our understanding. All of these theories provide brilliant rough guides to grief, but your own experience may be very different, and you may cycle between emotions, or think things have got easier only to find yourself feeling sad or angry again. Their maps are not the territory. And it’s okay to find yourself not conforming to any particular pattern. This is your journey – and it’s not a straight motorway from A to B, more a meandering trip through windy country lanes with many detours on the way.

I don’t feel anything…

Shock is a wonderful way of anaesthetising us to more than we can handle until our nervous system starts to relax and we begin to process what has happened. It’s perfectly normal to feel shock at losing someone close to us, and for that to wear off gradually, often over a long period of time as we start to come to terms with a new life. 

Everyone’s telling me I should clear out their stuff and start living for me, but I can’t bear the thought of it…

Often other people want us to move on, get back to ‘normal’, stop feeling sad. There’s pressure to put a face on and pretend everything is alright. In the counselling room you can be with how you feel and process it in a healthy way, rather than stuffing it down or numbing it with keeping busy, distractions or ways which are harmful, such as drink or drugs. There’s no pressure to move on – just a gentle exploration of where you are now and what feels right for you. 

I’m not crying all the time – is this normal?

The classic image of someone grieving is a person sitting crying – yet the reality can be that tears are absent, or come sporadically, people can get angry, depressed, and there can even be moments of joy and release.  Many people say that the main thing they notice with grief is its weight – life feels heavy and they can struggle for energy and mental clarity while they get used to a new way of being being in the world.

Just when I think I’m starting to move on, I go right back to square one…

Good days start to come far more frequently, and then you meet an anniversary, or something that reminds you of your loved one and you feel overwhelmed by feelings again. It doesn’t mean you are back to the beginning, just that you are meeting those same emotions in yourself. One of the things we can do in counselling is start to bring acceptance, compassion and kindness to those painful places, rather than judgement. 

If you recognize any of these in yourself or are confused or feeling overwhelmed by your experience of loss, please do get in touch for some support. I count myself very lucky to have received an excellent background in bereavement work from a hospice when I was training to be a counsellor, and seeing clients for them. I have always considered it is a privilege to accompany people as they go through grief and mourning.